TOKE MAKINWA’S ON BECOMING; THE REALITY OF THE NIGERIAN FEMALE
Yesterday was the launching of Toke Makinwa’s book titled On Becoming. For those who don’t know who she is (which is nobody, but let’s humour you), Toke Makinwa is a socialite Vlogger who talks about the basic day to day of life, and now an author from what I hear. Or at least that’s what I think she does. I believe she has been around the social world for quite some time but I only just got to really know about her when the scandal of her failed marriage broke. I read so much about it then, but the most of it being that she was a lady who had failed in her responsibilities as a wife and as such, had driven her husband into the arms of another woman. Some said she was more or less the home wrecker as the man had been with this other woman first and Toke had seduced him into marrying her (I didn’t even know that was possible; I’m going to have to take notes from Toke on how to seduce a man into marrying you). But as it is with everything social media these days, the story quickly died down and gave room to some other eye catching scandal of the week after its two minutes of fame on every blogging headline.
Every now and then, this beautiful woman would come up as the 30 seconds topic of conversation when she did something the public perceived as controversial. It could be in the form of an Instagram post that our genius bloggers would interpret to mean that she was either referring to her estranged husband or his “baby mama”. Or sometimes it would be a post from her ex- husband or the mother of his child. And then the proverbial gates would open and people would talk.... About how much of her skin she had bleached, and how she had driven her husband away by not cooking for him and neglecting him to constantly attend parties and other frivolous shallow minded affairs. And today again, just like those other days, Miss Toke Makinwa’s name has been splashed on our major Nigerian blogs. This time around, for writing a tell all book about her infamous marriage and everything else downhill. I am yet to read the book but I have seen some excerpts of it. It would seem she talked about the battles she had to fight with insecurities and low self-esteem. How her marriage to this man had driven her further into a darkness etc....(Go and read the book if you are so curious) But you see, it is not Toke Makinwa’s tell all book that intrigues me. It is the conversation surrounding it. While visiting any blog, I make it a habit to read the comments section too. As a matter of fact, that’s where most of the fun lies. And today, thanks to On Becoming by Toke Makinwa, I finally had a good grasp of the reality of the Nigerian female.
Let me explain what I mean. That book revealed so much about what this woman had to go through to be and stay married. Not necessarily because the idea of marriage thrilled her so much but because she was afraid of what the society would perceive her to be. A woman who couldn’t keep a man. (This eventually happened anyway). She was so afraid of being seen a failure, she stayed in a marriage she had no business being in in the first place. And when all hell broke loose, people picked sides. Some blamed her and some blamed the other woman. This brings me to my second point. Another reality of the Nigerian female is that she has to come to an acceptance of the existence of ‘the other woman’ in her marriage/relationship. She has to be willing to accept that all men cheat and she should be grateful that a man has chosen her to be ‘the one’ (See excerpt from On Becoming ;)
His response shocked me. “You’re the wife, she’s the girlfriend. Its high time you started behaving like my wife; she’s just a girl.”
When you look at the whole saga surrounding Toke Makinwa’s marriage and her husband’s infidelity, a lot of people have held her responsible. An equally large number of people have also held Anita Solomon (the baby mama, the side chick, the other woman...just take your pick) responsible. But this number very much pales in comparison to the people that have held Maje Ayida (the husband) responsible. The women in this scenario took all the blame and very little, almost none at all was given to the man. This is the reality of the Nigerian female. That in a situation where she (either as THE WIFE or as THE OTHER WOMAN) is unable to handle her affairs discreetly, and it blows into the public’s face, then she is to blame. Not the man who couldn’t keep his zipper up, but the woman. AND FRANKLY I DON’T GET IT!
We raise the Nigerian girl to believe that she would only truly have fully accomplished something worthwhile in life when she has Mrs attached to her name. Then we raise her to accept that even when she does, she must continue to work hard to maintain the status quo. We raise her to see her fellow woman as competition. Not necessarily for a job, but for a man. We raise her to understand that “All men cheat” but what is most important is not to be the one who’s cheated with, but the one who’s cheated on. And most importantly, we raise her to agree that if she is unable to do all the aforementioned, she has not only failed, but is also a FAILURE. This is the reality of the Nigerian female. And then we create an in balance. Because you see, we don’t hold the man to these same standards. If he doesn’t marry at a certain age then he’s “merely trying to make a name for himself” or his “trying to make sure he has enough to provide for his family”. If he cheats, its “in his DNA as a man” or “All men cheat” or “Why did the other girl sleep with him knowing fully well that he’s involved with someone else” It’s always the woman’s fault. And if he goes as far as getting another woman pregnant then “something must have being wrong with the wife. Maybe she wasn’t treating him right.”
I CALL BULLSHIT!
Lights out with Kharis💗 DISCLAIMER:Comments published are opinions of the readers and do not in any way express the views of the writer.
Every now and then, this beautiful woman would come up as the 30 seconds topic of conversation when she did something the public perceived as controversial. It could be in the form of an Instagram post that our genius bloggers would interpret to mean that she was either referring to her estranged husband or his “baby mama”. Or sometimes it would be a post from her ex- husband or the mother of his child. And then the proverbial gates would open and people would talk.... About how much of her skin she had bleached, and how she had driven her husband away by not cooking for him and neglecting him to constantly attend parties and other frivolous shallow minded affairs. And today again, just like those other days, Miss Toke Makinwa’s name has been splashed on our major Nigerian blogs. This time around, for writing a tell all book about her infamous marriage and everything else downhill. I am yet to read the book but I have seen some excerpts of it. It would seem she talked about the battles she had to fight with insecurities and low self-esteem. How her marriage to this man had driven her further into a darkness etc....(Go and read the book if you are so curious) But you see, it is not Toke Makinwa’s tell all book that intrigues me. It is the conversation surrounding it. While visiting any blog, I make it a habit to read the comments section too. As a matter of fact, that’s where most of the fun lies. And today, thanks to On Becoming by Toke Makinwa, I finally had a good grasp of the reality of the Nigerian female.
Let me explain what I mean. That book revealed so much about what this woman had to go through to be and stay married. Not necessarily because the idea of marriage thrilled her so much but because she was afraid of what the society would perceive her to be. A woman who couldn’t keep a man. (This eventually happened anyway). She was so afraid of being seen a failure, she stayed in a marriage she had no business being in in the first place. And when all hell broke loose, people picked sides. Some blamed her and some blamed the other woman. This brings me to my second point. Another reality of the Nigerian female is that she has to come to an acceptance of the existence of ‘the other woman’ in her marriage/relationship. She has to be willing to accept that all men cheat and she should be grateful that a man has chosen her to be ‘the one’ (See excerpt from On Becoming ;)
His response shocked me. “You’re the wife, she’s the girlfriend. Its high time you started behaving like my wife; she’s just a girl.”
When you look at the whole saga surrounding Toke Makinwa’s marriage and her husband’s infidelity, a lot of people have held her responsible. An equally large number of people have also held Anita Solomon (the baby mama, the side chick, the other woman...just take your pick) responsible. But this number very much pales in comparison to the people that have held Maje Ayida (the husband) responsible. The women in this scenario took all the blame and very little, almost none at all was given to the man. This is the reality of the Nigerian female. That in a situation where she (either as THE WIFE or as THE OTHER WOMAN) is unable to handle her affairs discreetly, and it blows into the public’s face, then she is to blame. Not the man who couldn’t keep his zipper up, but the woman. AND FRANKLY I DON’T GET IT!
We raise the Nigerian girl to believe that she would only truly have fully accomplished something worthwhile in life when she has Mrs attached to her name. Then we raise her to accept that even when she does, she must continue to work hard to maintain the status quo. We raise her to see her fellow woman as competition. Not necessarily for a job, but for a man. We raise her to understand that “All men cheat” but what is most important is not to be the one who’s cheated with, but the one who’s cheated on. And most importantly, we raise her to agree that if she is unable to do all the aforementioned, she has not only failed, but is also a FAILURE. This is the reality of the Nigerian female. And then we create an in balance. Because you see, we don’t hold the man to these same standards. If he doesn’t marry at a certain age then he’s “merely trying to make a name for himself” or his “trying to make sure he has enough to provide for his family”. If he cheats, its “in his DNA as a man” or “All men cheat” or “Why did the other girl sleep with him knowing fully well that he’s involved with someone else” It’s always the woman’s fault. And if he goes as far as getting another woman pregnant then “something must have being wrong with the wife. Maybe she wasn’t treating him right.”
I CALL BULLSHIT!
Lights out with Kharis💗 DISCLAIMER:Comments published are opinions of the readers and do not in any way express the views of the writer.
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